Well, now the Lords have passed the Equal Marriage Act, I suppose I'd better divorce my husband and marry a horse, as clearly that is the sanest thing I can do. I don't want to go into my feelings of deep disgust over the C of E and its cowardly, unchristian behaviour, with the honorable exception of the Bishop of Salisbury; I don't even want to express my disappointment that my own MP decided to toe the RC line rather than that of his own conscience; what I want to do is talk about how my marriage will be undermined by today's ruling.
Gay men being able to marry will mean that my husband and I are no longer married, as I am not a man, and as far as I remember, he is not gay. Lesbians being able to marry will mean that my husband and I are no longer married, as we are not lesbians. We will be destroyed, but destroyed, by the ruling. I can feel almost 6 years of putting up with each others little foibles crumbling away beneath me.
Honestly. In a blatant copy of my current favourite journalist, here are 7 things that my husband does that annoy me.
He never, ever turns the washing machine off.
He will use things up, without remembering the Golden Rule - always have a spare in the cupboard just in case.
He works from home. I cannot explain why this is annoying, it just is.
He is obsessive about tidying up.
But yet not cleaning up spills.
He falls asleep in front of nature programmes, especially Lord David of Attenborough.
Worst of all, he rearranges the dishwasher when I have filled it up.
Here are 7 annoying things I do.
I don't like to tidy up or clean.
I leave the lid of the washing liquid capsules tin open every time.
I rarely double lock the door.
I like to have all my craft stuff on display in handy places about the house.
I dress like a tramp, claiming that it is because I get so much paint on my clothes at work, it's not worth having nice ones; my clothes come from Pick n' Pay, a South African shop that makes Tesco's own brand clothing look classy.
I spend too much money in Waitrose.
I embarrass him by writing about him on the internet.
I don't see why gay men and lesbians shouldn't be able to write similar lists about their spouses. Marriage, as far as I can tell, is a public declaration of a private intention, and if you want to make it, you should.